Change is an inevitable part of life that tends to highlight our defects and imperfections, especially in times of transition. In Part I, we discussed the importance of responding with patience and perseverance in the spiritual life, especially when tempted to perfectionism and discouragement. In Part II, we’ll look at some underlying factors: what erroneous expectations do we bring to prayer, and how can we re-frame our understanding to truly meet God in every season?

Whether unmoored by a season of change or drifting along on spiritual autopilot, we can easily get caught up in the “what” of prayer and lose sight of the “why.” We are steeped daily in a culture that prizes performance and productivity, which can further cause us to approach prayer with tacit to-do lists bent on action and expectation.

While order and consistency in the spiritual life are important aids, they become problematic when we make these the end rather than a means to prayer. In such moments, it’s helpful to pause and reflect on some basic questions: why do we pray? What is the end goal of prayer? How can we best live out the true intent of prayer—especially in times of transition?

What Is Prayer?

Simply put, we pray in order to develop and grow in a dynamic relationship with the living God. As the Catechism says, “[The mystery of faith] requires that the faithful believe in it, that they celebrate it, and that they live from it in a vital and personal relationship with the living and true God. This relationship is prayer” (CCC 2558). This is a profound truth: that prayer equals relationship. We are called to approach prayer not as a chore, performance, or productivity measure, but as a real relationship with God—one that is intentional, vulnerable, and personal.

Prayer equals relationship.

Just like any meaningful human relationship, an authentic prayer relationship is more than an agenda-based meeting or ticking off a task on our to-do list. Prayer is the meeting of two hearts: one limited and lowly; the other, expansive and almighty. We regularly bring to prayer our lofty ambitions, painful weaknesses, strong emotions, and unrealistic expectations. This is often the most humbling realization as we grow in real relationship with God: we encounter our own insufficiency, while marveling that our Loving Lord calls us to meet Him anyway in our lowly state. God not only calls us to begin in our imperfection, but entreats us to keep showing up daily.

This invitation to show up requires our response—an intentional choice to invest in relationship through consistent, daily prayer despite our imperfections, which keeps our hearts tethered to God’s and cultivates a deepening trust. No healthy human relationship is one-sided; neither can a relationship with God be one-sided.

This relationship of prayer is not only mutual but dynamic: like human relationships, we will go through consolation and desolation, endearment and ennui, determination and distraction, contentment and confusion. This variation is due to our changing human nature, for God Himself is unchanging. Our experience of prayer will not be the same day to day, even when we keep our “formula” the same, and this can ring especially true in seasons of transition.

Still, our honest, inconstant humanity is where God desires to meet us in relationship—chaotic and messy as it may be—because it is here His power begins to work in our weakness, drawing us deeper into union with Him. Rediscovering prayer as a relationship rather than a project or performance can help us reframe the imperfections and struggles that inevitable arise in prayer. Each difficulty is a battle worth fighting, a turning point in an epic love story with the Lord Who is tirelessly contending for our highest good.

Each difficulty is a battle worth fighting, a turning point in an epic love story with the Lord Who is tirelessly contending for our highest good.

The Ultimate Goal of Prayer

Thus, whatever and however we pray, the ultimate goal is to meet the heart of God, bringing our own imperfect hearts to Him to be freed and transformed. As we heal from the mentality of productivity and performance in prayer, we can begin to slow down and make space for true communion. We can show up to prayer to unveil our hearts that they may be healed and purified through God’s unconditional love. We can show up to return a fraction of the love with which God loves us. And we can show up to gradually detach from our own limited, narrow will so that God’s will—which is infinitely best for us—may be done in and through us.

Redefining Success

In revisiting the ultimate purpose and goal of prayer, we can begin to redefine our faulty notions of “success.” Our prayer commitments or Rule of Life are intended to serve as entry points into union with the heart of God—not idols that compete with it. This means that fruitful prayer often looks quite different from our initial expectations or the world’s measures of success.

Effective prayer may mean pausing during a scripture passage to savor a single word’s significance instead of plowing rigidly through a reading plan. A heartfelt rosary may include missing a few beads or meditating on a single mystery in the space of five decades rather than a flawless recitation. Authentic relational prayer means honestly relating fear, anger, confusion, or desire to God rather than pushing these feelings to the background or hoping to bend God’s will to our own. Mental prayer that is deeply grace-filled and efficacious might be filled with far more fatigue, dryness, and distraction than mystical consolation.

Mental prayer that is deeply grace-filled and efficacious might be filled with far more fatigue, dryness, and distraction than mystical consolation.

Ultimately, the prayer practices and devotions we commit to are an invitation from the Lord to discover a deeply personal relationship rather than cling to a prescriptive formula. There is no mission more vital than embarking on this adventure of prayer, and no endeavor greater than our efforts to persevere in it each day.

A Rule of Life Review

This is the overarching wisdom behind a Rule of Life, or a Program of Life, as some call it. If prayer is the most important thing each day, we need a reliable game plan for how and when we will pray. This plan can help us to persevere through real and perceived imperfections, resist temptation, and balance outside demands in order to receive the grace we truly need to live each day—especially in seasons of change.

The truth holds that the “why” of our Rule must inform the “what.” We should develop a Rule of Life in service to the end goal of prayer within our personal state of life, rather than making flawless adherence to our Rule of Life an end itself.

I discovered this reality after several months of going to daily Mass at my sons’ school despite worsening chronic illness. Each morning I would rush to get ready and commute several miles to the school, remain for daily Mass, and return home exhausted hours later to make my limited-ingredient breakfast. Then I would face the rest of the day with the little energy I had left. My prayer life, vocation, and work all suffered as a result. Only when I could barely make it through the day did I stop to more carefully discern this daily Mass commitment that I had placed on such a high pedestal. The Lord made it clear through guidance and prayer that He was inviting me to drop my kids off and return home each day instead of going to daily Mass, so I first could nourish my body, then nourish my soul with a holy hour of prayer from home. Afterwards, I was able to tackle my work with renewed energy—and even attend a midday daily Mass once a week closer to home.

While it’s important to never make a change in a time of desolation, when going through significant life transitions it’s prudent to discern whether your Rule of Life is still conducive to your particular season and state in life. The goal of your prayer commitments must be to persevere in relationship with the loving, merciful God rather than a tally of success and failure. You can submit your Rule to the Lord in prayer and work with a spiritual director to ensure your regular commitments are still conducive to fruitful prayer, growth in virtue, proper work, and balanced rest.

If you’re in a time of significant transition, ask the Lord to reveal how your prayer commitments are–or aren’t—leading you to His heart. Consider whether God is calling you to add, subtract, shift, or simplify certain commitments so that you can meet Him with greater vulnerability and consistency.

As you discern the “what” of God’s invitation to deeper union with Him, remember that His “why” is simple: unconditional love for you and an unrelenting desire to help you receive this love. However your life and seasons may change, enduring relationship with Him is attainable and perseverance is possible through the Lord’s ever-present help. God’s grace is sufficient for you, and His power is made perfect in your every weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).